body.

i never really had a sense of home
so i’ve made my body a home
for me and others.

my fingers gave birth to soundscapes
my vocal chords vibrated with songs of joys and distress.
my arms have held together what threatened to fall apart
my eyes have invited vulnerability and trust
my lips have loved and reassured
my shoulders carried burdens, but never broke
my legs wrapped around lovers in their moments of ecstasy
the back of my knees served as canvases, for those who truly indulged.

i never really had a sense of home
so i’ve made my body a home
for me and others.

so dont you dare teach me
to hate it.

strength.

you admired my strength
it shone through, you said
a pillar reminding you not to fuck with me
strength: quiet and pulsating
laced with courage for vulnerability.

"she can handle it"
maybe you admired it because you knew that however many times you play rough with me i may waver but always stand tall, never breaking.
and you could walk away
guilt-free.

i did not spend years cultivating this
only for you to test its limits.
i made this to share. to walk with loved ones.
to wear my wounds open
and to heal them with my own tongue.

goddess

soft. vulnerable. hopeful.
every time.
maybe i’m foolish
or forgetful
or insanely courageous.


maybe a goddess
with infinite capacity
for forgiveness.

bedouin

my bedouin roots prepare me
for the harshness of matters of the heart.
nomadic, not by choice but by necessity.
when the well runs out
when the resource stops regenerating
i pack light and move on.

when i find my new oasis
i make a home out of small corner spaces
like an inconvenient guest
ready to leave whenever she is asked
whenever the wells run dry

i pack light and move on
i pack light and move on
i pack light and move on

over and over and over again.

as if.

you look at my limp limbs

my poker face

my indifference

in horror and astonishment

your brow furrows

your lips curl

when you hear the accusation against you

you wail and wail of protest and defense

as if you did not hear my cries when you pushed me down

as if i did not beg and plead

as if i did not reach out

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sunlight dancing on our skin

intertwined lazily under a central park tree

exchanging vibes, musical harmonies

pacing our lust, small doses

holding hands and gazes

adorned in the graces of his presence, touching faces

his fingertips slowly graze over my lips 
swollen from his kiss and a touch of cannabis

could a bliss be so simple?

we weave through the city

slowly, inconveniently, rebelliously

pestering pedestrians as we walk 
heavy with our hearts

staggering intoxicated with wanderlust 

of new york city and... us

who is this man?
who is this MAN -- my inner teenager demands
who is this man who envelops my entire physical being with his callous hands 
and his tattooed frame?

who is this man that i so willingly gave access to my time and affection
my vulnerability and my pain?

what does his soul taste like?

when will i step on a landmine in his mind  --

what does his anger look like?

what parts is he, and what parts are his tributes?

what parts are us, and what parts are quiet desperations?

and i wonder

could he ever love me inbetween my lines of ethereal/juvenile

... could anyone?

His love

Kind of a lame and cheesy sentimental poem, but hell, i was feelin it.

Maybe his love isn’t a run-to-the-other-side-of-the-street-defying-death-in-a-New-York-City-traffic-jam-for-one-last-kiss kinda love

And it definitely isn’t a come-home-late-from-work-to-find-him-running-me-a-bath-adorned-with-candles-and-rose-petals kinda love

And it isn't a whisk-a-curl-from-my-hair-away-from-my-face-on-a-chilly-autumn-evening-only-to-linger-his-gaze-deeply-on-me-and-then-kiss-me kinda love.

But.

His love was a kiss-me-on-my-forehead-when-I-was-spewing-snot-and-sneezing-germs kinda love.

A holding-me-silently-as-I-braced-for-sadness-to-wash-over-me kinda love.

A laughing-politely-at-my-childlike-squealing-and-loud-antics kinda love.

A pausing-the-movie-playing-on-my-laptop-for-a-making-out-break kinda love.

And it was enough.

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My grandmother mentioned
In passing
The softness of her late teenage son's hair
My mother's brother
Casually.

And I ponder on their pain
And their humanity
And the rawness I did not see them experience.
Somewhere between dinner and dessert
I ache to look at them and say:
"You brought me here. How can I make you happier? How can I ease the sorrow of your memories?"

But I fear the question is laughable
Or irrelevant
Or too late
So I don't say anything.

And I panic about the time.

the straight path

if you were so perfect
if you were so simple
if there is a straight path
why do i keep tripping
why do i find dead end streets
boulders in my way
forcing me to twist my body into painful contours to fit around you
and through you.

if you were so perfect
and you were so timeless
why do your henchmen stutter
and why do their hearts race
and their temples drip sweat
when they have to decide
whether to preserve you
or risk chipping away at your legitimacy

hearts wrench pain
pleasing and fearing you
some born into
fate decided, before words spoken

the doctors

the doctors gathered around her
as she lay on the operation table
her flesh exposed.

they cut her open carefully
from the top of her ribcage
to her belly button.

the doctors peered inside.

one retched,
and forgot to retrieve his tools
thrown inside of her

one fell to the floor, sweating
hyperventilating
trying desperately to do what it takes.

one’s face snarled
nose upturned
the corners of his mouth sagging
“This is not what we expected”, he said.

the doctors gathered themselves
and gathered their tools
and left, one by one
while she lay open on the table.

            

What Comes After

Sunshine on white sheets
Cling lazily to dark
Entangled
Limbs and torsos
Each covered with tiny beads of sweat
Evaporating with the summer heat.

One is asleep.The other one wondering

If she should go

Home.

Poem: Tangle/Untangle

Neither of us wanted to untangle
Untangling would mean looking at each other
Untangling would mean forcing meaning into a cavity of worthlessness
Untangling would mean reacting humanely
Untangling would be too much work for him.
Untangling would mean running the many-times rehearsed script
Untangling would mean I was just like all the others
Broken and hungry for answers.

So we stayed.

Tangled.

My heartbeat wild in comparison to his perservant one.
My breath harder to catch, untypical of the situation
My tears slowly rolling down, deciding reluctantly not to roll onto his shoulder
They instead opted to be discreetly wiped away with my hand
His shoulder would mean recognition, affirmation, humiliation
A desire for answers that were not coming.

I try to untangle.
He doesn’t let me.
He times it cleverly.
He lays me down
When the memory has been engraved
When the storm has passed
When it was safe.

       

poem: the silence

the silence i practiced to quieten your thoughts
our world reduced to sensory stimulants, pulsating sounds
reclining lavishly.
physical warmth, your temporary sanctuary
my majesty, only now do i know 
the noise you suffered was indeed a travesty
all the traffic in your mind’s confines
i don’t need to know, although i wondered sometimes
if i could dance the dance of death between the cars and trams
or grounded malleable in the rush hour jam
does he taste the silence, i wonder anxiously
the silence i practice, almost obediently


              -- Nora Bakhsh